It’s sometimes said that forty is the new thirty, and now more than ever I am hoping that is true, because by the time I turn forty, I will have spent two decades being in my twenties. I rolled into this with my personal goals kept very simple: Don’t run out of toilet paper, stop forgetting to shave, that’s what the shower is for. As I rolled into my thirties, my personal goals stayed just as simple: don’t fall apart crying when my car breaks down, take better care of my hair, maybe they’re not kidding about skin cancer, listen to the other side of the conversation… The bigger goals, like school and finances have been approached with extreme patience with myself, because I had no other choice; it was either that or be mad at myself all the time.

It occurred to me today though that I will be turning 36 soon, and maybe it might be time to, I don’t know, stop talking like a teenager? Something to that effect. Maybe that could be the goal this year. Because what if I am still talking like Brenda from Beverly Hills 90210 when I’m 50? It’s not as easy as it sounds, either, because that’s usually how I talk in my own head. Occasionally I will ease off on sounding, like, affected, and my friends will keep saying, “What?” “What did you just say?” and then I’ll say it like I normally would, and then they’ll understand me. Have you ever noticed that about friends? I mean, it’s how they bond. It’s the special way of talking reserved just for each other. Whatever age I met my friends, I sometimes talk at that age level when I’m with them. I’m not kidding, I should write a transcript in here sometime. Some gems you could look forward to:

“Omigaud so this guy, I was talking to him, and I was all, WTF dude, you are so stupid”.

“Ummmmmm, like, d’you know whatImean?”


Would talking like an adult be the biggest obstacle I’ve ever overcome? Would I simply replace “like” with the single word “sortof” like they do in the film industry? Or would I go back to “Ummmm”? Have you ever counted how many times a woman my age can say “Like” in one conversation? And some, no, many women my age and younger than me never got into the bad habit of talking like a valley girl in the first place.

I’m going to my dear friend Christyne’s house, and we are going to have cocktail night at her house, just the two of us, so I doubt tonight’s the night my brain will grow up. But then again, there’s still time. isn’t there?


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